Cleanup???

Dear Cousin Gobo,

The mayor of the L.V. wants to cleanup the downtown area. This is not a surprise. Downtown is filthy. Homeless, drunks, and drug addicts litter the streets. Goblins, dirt bags, and nightwalkers try to sell their services for less than fifty dollars. It's dark and creepy, even during the day. Only the bravest souls would even venture down there after the sun sets. The strangest thing, the area which I'm talking about is a only a few blocks from a very popular tourist and "family" attraction.

With all that said, how is the mayor planning to cleanup this neglected area?



Brand new old signs.



Yes, this is a brilliant plan. I have complete confidence that as soon as all these new old neon signs are up and turned on....all the filthy elements of downtown will simply disappear. There will be no more homeless men asking you to pet their giant rabbits. No more two dollars hookers offering three dollar hand jobs. No more free shootings with every illegal drug transaction.

You see the problem isn't that it is too dark. A few very bright neon signs are not going to turn everything around. The area sucks because there is nothing down there. All the store fronts are empty and smell like urine. Business don't want to move there. Why would they? It's just a bad enviroment.

The only good thing that will come of these new old signs, all the great pictures. As you can see I was pushing my luck. Taking pictures at dusk, so close to nightfall.

T.C.B., Baby!

Weather?!

Dear Cousin Gobo,

It is indeed a rare event. Actual weather other than sunshine has come to the desert. Today in the afternoon, the sky darkened.....clouds built up....and it started to rain. Yes rain!

It is monsoonal season, and I couldn't be more excited. Don't get me wrong....I like the sunshine. I got a great tan. It's just after about ninety days of 110 + degree heat you get a little "burnt" out. I'm waiting for a change......any change.



As everything else in the L.V., change will have a price. Sure it is awesome to get a break in the heat. There's slight humidity in the air because it is still like 90 degrees. It will probably rain alittle, but not much rain is needed to cause flash flooding. You would think that ground would soak that rain right up. Wrong! The desert hates the rain. The ground doesn't soak up rain like most people think it does. It's the things living in the ground......namely plants. Not too much plant life in the desert. It would be a the desert if there was...right!



Still seeing giant clouds roll over the mountains is very cool. And the lighting! The lighting is AWESOME! It is fast, intense, frequent, and loud! Well actually the thunder is loud. But still it a cool sight. Total darkness, and then FLASH, FLASH, FLASH, FLASH.......BOOOOOM.

I'm hoping to get either getting some video or cool pictures of the lighting..........soon.

T.C.B., Baby!

Snow Patrol

Dear Cousin Gobo,

Ears ringing...heart pumping....voice lost.

One great thing about living in this beacon within the desert, alot of special events enjoy coming here. Especially concerts. I recently attended a concert of Ireland's finest.......Snow Patrol.

This show was awesome! Surprisingly, since I lived here, I have yet been to a show that isn't the groups' best possible performance. I am unsure if there is something in the water, or maybe it's all the excess oxygen pumped in by the big casinos. A show in the L.V. is always great!



For about a good two hours, this band rocked the roof off the house. Eventhough, I may have misplaced my professional camera, this adventurer was able to still grab a few shots with a slightly lesser grade camera.







Plus my friend Ken-G and I met four Irish girls. Now these weren't girls who were merely Irish, they were girls from Ireland. Though, they didn't like how I claimed to be Irish. "Are yee from Ireland?" they asked. "Well no", I responded. "The you're not Irish then are yee" Good point!

Regardless we all had a fun time together. It's just a pity that after the concert we couldn't have partied together longer. It was probably a dead end anyways, right.

T.C.B., Baby

Lucky # 7's

Dear Cousin Gobo,

Saturday was 7-7-07, and thousands upon thousands of people migrated to the desert just to get married by the one and only..........Elvis.



That's right the King of Rock n' Roll was presiding over holy nuptials. Only Elvis wasn't performing just any ol' marriages, he was conducting Lucky 7 7 7 Las Vegas marriages.

Many believed that this once in a century, made up psuedo-holiday would bring not only everlasting good luck, but also an easy to remember most wonderful moment of their newly bonded lives. What any other reason would you need. Boy.... let me tell you, Elvis was dancing up a sweat all day long. Punching out accerlerated "I do's" in seven (of course) minutes flat. Singing hit after hit as the revolving door of bride and groom couples marched in and out. It was an exciting, entertaining, in-expensive day to remember for many newly weds

What can be more memorable than your minister singing Only Fool's Rush In at your first (I'm guessing) of many weddings to come?

T.C.B., Baby

San Di-ego

Dear Cousin Gobo,

I needed some time away from the arid desert, so I decided to hit the beach. SoCal here I come!



Welcome to San Diego. Beautiful city. Very clean, hip, friendly, and all around awesome!

The weather was perfect. Sunny and warm. It sure wasn't as HOT as the desert. Scenery was great. Just look at all those plam trees. Oh yeah, the BEACH....

The Beach was bitchin'!!!! The water was warm, the sand was smooth, and the sun was shinning. I had a blast. I swam the ocean...I boogied the the board...I tanned the hell out of my skin. Say hello to the skin cancer. Now I am burnt red! OUCH!

I loved San Diego. I'm totally going to head back there very soon. There is plenty more for me to explore. Balboa park, Petco Park, Sea World, Comic Con.....also beach, beach, beach.

Just check out this cool statue along the water.

T.C.B., Baby

Take Home THIS!

Dear Cousin Gobo,

No longer will petroleum industry hold me as it's slave.

After more than a year of living in the very HOT desert. My station has decided to give me....my very own take home company vehicle.

Today I say goodbye to high gas prices. Hello company gas card!

This is a long time coming. I was told it took so long because no one has left our staff in over a year. Lucky for me, the company needed a few new trucks. In turn, it meant that I would get one of the hand me downs.

I'm not complaining. I don't have to keep racking up miles on my own personal car now. First order of business, get this sweet ride detailed. Maybe upgrade for a pair of 20's. Oh yeah! and some spinners.

Viva La Raza!!!

Hail to the King, Baby!

Dear Cousin Gobo,

This pass weekend I decided to go the CineVegas Film Fesrival and watch some really crappy independent films. Most of the films were poorly made, badly written, and.....well they really freaking sucked balls.

But there was one movie which I wanted to see the most above all.

My Name Is Bruce

It was the newest movie to be created by the Greatest "B" Movie actor of all time Bruce Campbell

I was planning all week to go see this movie, but then I heard about the fact that Bruce himself was going to attend and introduce the film. Well hello Mr. Fancypants! I couldn't believe it. I may have a chance to actually meet the Man. I've seen all his movies, I read both his books, damn I even bought video games because he did the voice over work. To say I idolize him is an understatement.

So I went down to CineVegas and bought my ticket, which had some small print about "no guaranteed seating". This made me nervous. The people with all access passes had first crack at the theater, then the ticket holders had to wait in line to see if there was enough space left. Lucky for me I was able to get a seat.

While I was in line waiting, Bruce showed up. He walked down the 15 foot long red carpet, posed for a few photos and then headed into the theater. I was so excited. I was going to be in the same theater as Bruce, watching his latest movie, which I found out that day that it wasn't completely finished. It was a "work in progress", meaning not all the audio transtions were cleaned up and there may be a few editing mistakes.

As I walked toward the theater, my friend pointed out that Bruce was still standing in the hall. So I walked up to him and said, "Hi". He greeted me back, and then I took the picture of him showing above. Why was I so nervous? I didn't even ask him to take a photo with me. I've met famous people before. I taken pictures with them using little effort. But this was BRUCE. You don't just demand audience with The King. Maybe I'll could get a picture with him after the movie?

Like I said the all access jokers got first shots at the best seats, so I had to sit in the second row. But I wasn't going to complaining. That just means I would have a better view of Bruce when introduced his film. BINGO, on that one!

After a short intro by Bruce the film started. Now it wasn't the greatest movie ever made. I wasn't even expecting it to be good. Let's say it was very entertaining. It was funny, and it was stupid. Exactly what you would expect from a good "B" movie. I'll probably buy it when it hits DVD.

Following the movie, Bruce went back to the front of the theater to do some Q&A. This was the best part of the whole night. The Man is funny. He would take a question from some stupid moron...he would repeat the question in a sarcastic tone...then answer the question making fun of the person asking it. I was rolling. My friend suggested that he should go on tour just doing that. I agreed. Here a few samples of the idiotic questions asked.

Q: Bruce, when are you going to give us fans what we all been waiting for...a "Full Frontal shot"?

BC: What?! You want to see my penis?! Are you gay?

Q: I'm writing my college thesis on you and your work, Who would win in a fight between you and a Velociraptor?

BC: Who would win? Your imagination would win!

Q: Do you ever get a chance to hang out with Kevin Sorbo?

BC: Yeah, we both go over to that guy's house, and pull out our dicks and play with them in front of that gay guy.

Q: When you release this movie, will you be going on tour?

BC: Yeah, there's going to be a tour. Coming to a theater near you! Cuz I really need to know what the people in Dickfuck, Kansas think about it.

Damn he was funny. Well I wasn't able to get photo with him afterwards. He went to the back of the theater, I was trying to go against the current of people. I think he was going to go out a back door anyways. I missed my chance, but I did get to see him. I also sorta met him. I can probably die happy now. When he returns for his book signing, I'll get my picture then.

T.C.B., Baby

Twin City Trouble

Dear Cousin Gobo,

The Cherry was on the Spoon....the best way to describe my recent adventure to the Twin Cities of Minneasota. I was not in Minneapolis to go sight seeing, gaze at art, nor map this lake filled region. Instead I had a greater purpose. I was to take part in a celebration....a speical holy union.....



a Marriage



The Bag, my long time good friend, finally decided it was time to start his new life with his beautiful bride. I was asked months ago if I would be a Groomsman for this wonderful occasion. Naturally, I said yes. Weddings are great! They are filled with fun and excitement. People are always happy to celebrate weddings. What's there not to be happy about? Plenty of food and drinks to consumer. Plenty of partying and dancing to partake.

Of course, there are also the Bridesmaids



Meet Chrisy and Lee, two very beautiful Bridesmaids, and very single....at least for the weekend that is. Being a Groomsman of Wedding gives you an unique opportunity to not only meet the Bridesmaids but also build a comfortable rapport with eachother. Since both Groomsmen and Bridesmaids must attend all the activities that prepare a wedding, there is plenty of time to make a connection, and to be seen more than just the man standing there across from them. That is exactally the intention of myself and my "Wing" Guido, the Bestman.



The best time and place to make this all this happen is at the reception. During all the wedding preparation is the time to ask...where are you from.....what's your job.....what do you like, dislike....are you single? The reception is when you close the deal. You must be confident, fearless, energetic, entertaining, humorous.....you must hold nothing back. Both Guido and I knew this, so we acted as eachothers' "wing". We backed up eachother, instead of showing up. We danced, we laughed, we had tons of fun with these girls. Surprisingly, it all worked.

After the reception, we walked the girls back to their hotel room, and they invited us inside.

We helped the girls take down their hair. Lee had 47 bobbie pins in her's. The girls changed their clothes, the guys removed their suit jackets and vests. There was massaging, laughing, horseplay....we were there...we were SO CLOSE, but after a few hours of this....the feeling began to fade. Everyone was starting to get tired and uninterested. What went wrong? Was it the time? The morning hours? Maybe the alcohol.....maybe not enough alcohol. Regardless, Guido and I said our goodnights, and returned to our hotel room. The both of us later agreed that there was a lack of separation. We spend plenty of time with these girls. Each one grew interested in one of us guys. But we couldn't get the two separated. This was key at that moment and we both knew it.

The next morning, Guido and I slept through most of the post-wedding brunch. We showed up close to the end of it. The girls were departing that day, we were leaving the next. Trying not to look so hungover, we smiled and talked to the others. Many questions were asked about our wild night. Apparently, everyone knew of our escapes. The girls were talking about us.....that was a good sign. The two girls came over to say their goodbyes. They told us that they had alot of fun, and we each recieved a hug and kiss on the cheek from both of them. A small victory, but victory none the less. Given one more night the posiblities could have been endless.

T.C.B., Baby!

I Hate Radio!!

Dear Cousin Gobo,

I can't stand listening to local radio stations!

I thought moving to a larger market that the radio stations would improve.....I was wrong.

It is the same junk all over. The same lame songs are on a constant three hour loop. The same lame DJ's trying to be funny. Same overloaded crappy commercials.

So that is why I went the way of the iPod. Since I drive alot for my job. I needed to listen to something better. I went out and bought all the gadgets and gismos that come with owing a mp3 player, only to be disappointed again.

I picked up one of those FM transmitters. Finally I can eliminate those damn radio stations! Wrong!

Living in a larger city means more stations. Meaning less dead air space for the FM transmitter. So as I drive around town my little transmitter gets blasted out the countless number of small time latino radio stations. That's right LATINO stations. The Latino market here is huge, and everyone wants to make a few bucks from it, so they flood every market targeting Latino consumers.

At first I thought it to be comical. I liked listen to the spanish speaking stations, it helped me practice my own spanish. But soon, it stopped being funny. Why in the HELL did I buy this thing, if it's not going to work?

Few have claimed that maybe I didn't buy the right one, or that I wasn't on the right frequency. Let me tell you over the past few months....I TRIED THEM ALL!! Same result, lost of signal to another station spilling over on the dial.

I HATE RADIO!!!! Stop trying to control my mind! I don't want to your continuous looped play of crappy songs. I don't want to hear your retro noon-time playlist of song that sucked worst in their own time period. Always trying to tell me what music is better than the rest, because some record company is paying you to do so. And I'm tried of all you morons out there, calling in to request these shitty songs. STOP IT!

Strange Sighting

Dear Cousin Gobo,

I've been living in this desert oasis for a year, and I've seen some amazing things. I also seen some very strange things...or should I say people. Take this guy for example...Meet Mr. TVG



This man has many names but the one that describes him the most is T.V.G. or as I was told Typical Vegas Guy. There is a sighting of him almost everyday. He can be seen walking laps in the parking lots near my news station. That's right plural....parking lots. He walks around in the sun for hours, doing laps in the either the Catholic Church parking lot or the the Blair House parking lot. We are unsure where he comes from. Many think that he lives at the Blair House, a shitty low price apartment complex next door to the station, because we never see him in a car. I am not completely sure of that.

Also I can't figure out his pattern. He's not out seven days a week, but it has to be close to 5 or 6 days. I sometimes see him is on a weekend, but not every weekend. He also isn't seen at the same time of day. You may see him first thing in the morning, or maybe around lunch. It's rare but you can even have a sighting of him close to sunset. Here is the stumper...You can never tell which parking lot were he will be walking. I tried for months to track his process by making mental notes, like Monday, noon, church parking lot. But the next few Mondays he wouldn't be there. I think he operates on a version of the Mayan calender.



You may ask what makes this man a T.V.G.? Well that is another puzzle. I've been told if you live here long enough you will become just like this man. Just look at him. He is muscular, but it is that flappy creepy old man muscle tone. He has a great tan, but also probably has extreme case of skin cancer. And his hair is bright white. If living here causes this then how long does one have to live in the desert sun? 20 years? 50 years? 100?? This is not a human! He is like a comic book villian from outerspace.

If it is true that this is what becomes of all Vegas people who live here too long, then I have some theories. I believe the sun gives him his power. Like Superman. Only he needs to walk around in the sun all day because he is dying. Yes dying, but the sun slows the process, because he is a right old age of 342 years. He wears only short shorts because the more surface area of skin exposed, the more UV rays absorbed. Plus lying in the sun isn't enough. You have to move, hence the walking laps. The energy from the sun must also need to be circulated throughout the body by the blood stream.

This is alot to look forward to. I must learn his ways. If I want to survive for 300 years

T.C.B., Baby

Mario's Return

Dear Cousin Gobo,

I admit it. I am an addict. I swear it all happened by accident. I only wanted to try something new. There was no harm in experimentation...is there? But now I can't stop it!

Super Paper Mario is awesome!! I play it all the time. Remember the very first Super Mario Bros for the Original Nintendo? Well this one is a homage to that very beloved game.

You start out as Mario trying to rescue the Princess, who has been kidnapped as usual, and you are running left to right in this 2-D world. I know what you're thinking.......2-D? Isn't this the Wii? Yeah it is! While you're in this 2-D world you can flip the screen to 3-D at anytime! Plus as the game progresses you can switch your character to either the Princess or BOWSER. That's right you can play as BOWSER!! The reason is that this time you are fighting a whole new villian.

Playing this game just brings back all those great childhood memories. Sitting around with my cousin, taking turns at conquering new worlds. It's the best feeling. I loved this game so much that after I returned my rented copy....

I went out and bought my own copy! I just realized! What am I doing wasting good playing time writing this post. I got to get me into some Mario!

T.C.B, Baby

You Guilty??

Dear Cousin Gobo,

I have to admit, I'm guilty of a crime.

In today's world of fast information and instant gratification, all rules will be broken. What was once know as an absolute do not, has become a minor sidethought.

I'm taking about multitaking while driving. Everyone does it. Now it is becoming dangerous. Talking on the phone, listening to the MP3 players, watching television, using GPS, all of these things are increasingly distracting drivers.

Last week, I was almost rundown but a guy not paying attention while driving through a crowded parking lot. Luckily I got out of the way in time, or I could have been extremely injuried. As I looked back toward the man, I noticed he was wearing earphones connected to a MP3 player.

Yesterday a lady wasn't so lucky. She was just sitting patiently at a bus stop when I man in a car hopped the curb crashing into the bench she was sitting on. She didn't die but both of her legs were broken. The police said that the accident was caused by light rain that fell eariler. But I don't buy that. I believe he was too busy on his cell phone, because he was on it the whole time I was there shooting video of the accident.

Technically it is illegal (or at least looked down upon) to do anything in a car other than drive. I remember in driver's education (many years ago) being told that I was never allowed to drive a vehicle while wearing headphones, yet today anyone who has an MP3 player has probably done it at one time. I know I do when I go home from work late at night. In some states it is illegal to talk on the phone while driving. Many cell companies step around these laws by selling hands free devices to install in your car. Asking a police officer about it, he told me that drivers aren't even suppose to listen to the radio at a loud volume. So what about all those people who drive around with their bass blasting. And can someone tell me what's the point of installing multiple flat screen TVs in the car, if it is illegal to watch those TVs while driving.

The point is that we are all guilty of these crimes. Maybe it is more of a crime against society. There are so many worst things going on in the world that these minor things have no importance. So we don't pay attention to them, until something awful happens. You know it is possible to be convicted of manslaughter, being locked up in prison for decades, all because of a cell phone call.

But I'm not your Jiminy Cricket, so do whatever you want.

Missing Tweeker

Dear Cousin Gobo,

I had a very interesting weekend. On Saturday, I had to drive to the far east side of the valley to cover a missing person story at the Las Vegas Wash. It is like a fake river that flows into a man-made lake. Who knew that this could be in the desert?



There was a missing woman out there. Her family and friends, who called us, came out to search for her. We were told by the officals she was out here during the night with her boyfriend, and something happened causing her to get lost in the darkness. There is absolutely no light out there at night. Off the record, we were told that most likely she was out there doing drugs with her boyfriend, and they got into some kind of an argument and she ran out into the water. All tweeked out.



But the family believed otherwise. They think her boyfriend killed her and dumped her body into the wash. So after the detective left the scene, the family continued searching for the missing woman. I was out in the swampy wash area getting shots of the search when the woman's sister started screaming like bloody hell. I thought, Oh Shit! They found her body. Hell yeah, we are the only news crew out here. But no. They only found her clothes, which for some reason enraged the sister. She ran out of the wash to find and kill the boyfriend. There was a fight involving choking, screaming, large rocks, F-bombs all caught on tape. Great television!

Which resulted with me getting a subpoena.



The police returned to resume the search. This time they brought out the helicopter and the dive team. The detective found out about the fight, and he politely asked me if I caught it on tape. He told me that he might need a copy for the possible investigation. Hence subpoena. They didn't arrest the boyfriend but took him to the station for questioning. The family was balling their eyes out calling the boyfriend a murderer. We knew we staying out there for the long haul.



Several hours passed, and there was no sign of the missing woman. The search crews told the family that they would have to quit soon before the sun setted. The family was not pleased.



So after the helicopter made a few more passes and the sun setted, everyone left us out there in the dark to do our live shot.



It turns out the police have a strong reason to believe that the woman was not murdered by the boyfriend. They think that she was high as a kite and wanted to swim in the wash. So she stripped naked and jumped into the water probably drowning. I'm sure we'll do a follow-up if and when the bloated body is discovered.

Why Do I Hate Myself

Dear Cousin Gobo,

I decided that this year I was going to improve myself. I want to gain some muscle mass and become a hardcore runner again. So I joined a gym, started going twice a week. Then everyday I attempt to pull my lazy ass out of bed to go running. For a short time, I was going strong. I actually felt better. The muscle is beginning to form and I'm able to run further and harder.

Then......



If you have noticed the content of the few previous posts, you see that I've been going out on the town partying. Not to mention that I also got sick a few days back. Today I felt like I could start back up with the training. I want to run a marathon later this year. My body hates me!

It was harder to restart this time than when I first began. My body doesn't want to run it wants to party. But I can't do both! I wanted to improve myself and I'm going to do it!

Well, I better go get showered and changed. I got to meet some friends for Happy Hour!

Saw Her First

Dear Cousin Gobo,

Are you familar with the term "cock block"?
Well if you are not, the term pertains to when you are out on the town, talking to some interesting girls, and someone (male or female) will step in and literally block you from talking to that person anymore. When this happens with women doing the blocking it is normally a defensive move. They are just making sure that their friends are save from any creeps or jerks. When the blocking comes from a male, it is because he thinks he is better than you. This is dangerous because physical violence could develope. That is where your boys...pals...posse come into play. Your friends are there to watch your back, and to make sure nothing gets in your way of talking to that hot girl.

Well, my boys are a little different. It is part of the "guy code", when one of the boys is "working it" with a female, you stand by as back up. You assist him whenever needed, but you don't interfer with the pick up. And you never attempt to "cock block".

Take for example this hot girl right here.



I was talking to her the whole night. She was our waitress at the club we were partying, but she kept coming back to just sit with me and join in with all the fun. At one point I was really working the magic to say. Sitting right next to her, asking her things about herself, when......my friend I'm there partying with tries to intercept. He leans across me, interupts the conversation, and starts promoting himself to this girl. He totally just "cock blocked" me. And this isn't the first time I seen him do this. I've seen him wedge himself between two people that are talking, pull girls away from other guys, and try to completely draw all attention to himself.

Then it was on! As if the dinner bell rang to the buffet, the guys attacked her like a pack of hyenas. The girl who was hanging out with only me is now become the center of the party. Here are a few pictures to better describe what I mean.



For reasons unknown this usually happens to any girl that enters the pack. It also makes no sense, because these guys I hang out with are not looking for the same type of girl that I am. They are looking for "Ms. Right". I'm looking for Ms. Right Now.

Needless to say, I stayed persistent and I scored her phone number at the end of the night.

Could I Be Homeless?

Dear Cousin Gobo,

I was driving around today, when I saw a homeless man walking, wearing an out-dated political t-shirt, and dragging a roll-along luggage bag. (This photo is of another homeless man who carries a giant rabbit everywhere.) So I started to wonder if I could even survive if for some reason I became homeless myself. Living in this large city, there are alot of homeless people. How did they all become that way? There is probably not enough room for another. So I came up with alist of pros and cons of myself becoming homeless.

Why I couldn't survive homeless:

I can't grow facial hair very well - Other than the occasional peach-fuss mustache and chin hair, I'm fairly hairless. I think being hairy might be a homeless requirement, probably has something to do about keeping warm at night.

I don't like wearing socks more than one day - wearing socks multiple days in a row makes me feel gross. There have been times were I'm done it, for example, when camping in the woods, or in college when I was late for class, but usually it's once and then in the laundry they go.

I hate dirt - I don't know what happened to me. When I was a kid, I was always coming home filthy. Most kids do, but somewhere on the path of becoming a grownup, I started hating getting dirty. And sometimes with my job I do get grease or dirt on my clothes and hands. It drives me insane. I can't wait to get everything cleaned.

I really dislike change - It might be to because I lived most my life in sales tax free states that makes me hate a pocket full of coins. You go to buy something at the store for $2 and at the checkout the total is $2.14. Now I got all this change in my pocket with nothing to do with it. Since moving to LV my change accumulation has increased by 5 times. And now the Federal mint wants to start (once again) circulating $1 coins. No Thanks! I just couldn't handle having all those coins while I begged for money.

I'm too thin as it is - Lately I've being hitting the gym because I want to get bigger. I don't want to be a huge meathead, I just want to gain alittle weight and tone the muscles. I've got a slender runner's-like body type, which makes sense because I'm a runner. If I was not eating everyday, I couldn't imagine how thin I would become.

I don't like soup - I hate eating the same thing everyday, but you don't get a choice about what you are going to order at a soup kitchen. Hmmmm......I think I'll try the "soup du jour" today, that sounds good. I do like Pho. If there was free Pho soup kitchen, that would be money!

Why I could survive being homeless:

I like to dress in layers - I lived most of my life in climates which required for dressing in layers. The days start out cold, then the afternoon will warm up to lead into the night when the coldness returns. I'm comfortable in layers, most of my wardrobe is designed around it. I got this part down.

I get to act crazy - No one ever questions why a homeless person is acting insane. Mostly believed to be their nature, people simply look away, or move to the other side of the street to avoid contact. It would be nice to bother strangers with pointless off-the-rocker rants. I get it all the time while I'm out collecting news. It might be fun from their perspective.

I could finally become a musician - I always wanted to be a musician, but I'm always self-conscious about being good enough to play in front of people. It doesn't matter how shitty you are once your homeless. I could play my guitar anywhere, playing anything I wanted, and I would probably get money for doing it. Plus I wouldn't have to worry about making enough money to make it a career, because I'm homeless.

Wouldn't have to worry about finding a condom - Having un-protected sex and getting a girl pregnant would be the less of my problems. That might even be considered as a good day. Any woman who is going to have sex with a homeless man, won't want to get married to him if she's impregnated. STD's could become a problem, but my life expectancy isn't going to be too long, anyways.

No need to payoff all those loans - Goodbye bills! No more student loan. No more car payment or insurrance. Don't have to file for taxes! Sure, my credit report will take a big drive into the gutter, but who cares. Like I'm going to be buying a house!

Conclusion

I couldn't think of any more reasons why I could become homeless. So I guess that proves that I probably wouldn't survive as a vagrant. I better stick with working for a living. Damn! I got to finish my income taxes.

This was fun! Hope you enjoyed reading it. I think I'll occasionally do this again. You know make like a series of these "Could I Be ________". Check back in the future for more exciting adventures of Travelin' Miles!!

Who Started This Madness?

Dear Cousin Gobo,

Valentine's Day is pointless. All day yesterday I saw every single female in my newsroom recieve surprises of some combination of flowers, balloons, and candy. How come?! Because it's Valentine's Day.

As the day went on, the bigger those surprises got. And as if to out trump eachother the females will put their gifts on display for all the see.

What makes this a holiday? If you are married, dating, or even just friends with benefits, you must get her some type of V-day present. Why? I heard responses before like, "To let me know he's thinking about me", "It shows you who really cares about you", "He just wanted to make me feel special and have a good day"

All these answers are just pre-programed replys handed down throughout the years by the creators of this senseless holiday. Probably women.

Every man who is in some type of relationship knows that this day is coming. He also knows that he HAS to get her something. There is no other option. It is not a surprise. It is expected! If a man doesn't come through for his female counterpart, then does that mean he is not thinking about her, or doesn't really care, or maybe he doesn't want to her to feel special.

You see when a surprise is expected to arrive then it isn't a surprise. Do you think the Trojans would have accepted giant wooden horse, if they expected it to be filled with Greek warriors?

What would be a better surprise is not to give her anything, and then later down the road, let's say in June, send the gift on any random day. But no man would ever dare do this. I know in my past relationships I wouldn't be brave enough. To forget to send a required Valentine's Day gift is the worst thing. There is no forgiving or making it up. There is no make up sex! No matter how hard you try, she will always remember that one year you screwed up. You could be backing out of your driveway and accidently runover, killing both her favorite poodle and her aging father. She will forgive sooner for that than if you forgot to send flowers to her work.

So why do all men comply with this required surprise? Because it makes it easier. Do you ever see a man recieve flowers at work for V-day? Probably not. He may get a small gift from his mate but most likely the man's gift comes much later. I could be in the form of anything. A night of silence from a nagging wife. His favorite dinner cooked for him. Poker night and drinking with the buddies. Begging-less sex.

You can't tell me that a single man out there will say to himself, "you know I want her to know I was just thinking about her today." It is more like, "Oh shit! What did I get her last year? Cus it has to better than that this year! Maybe if I get her something really good, she'll let me do that one thing I like. Maybe she'll let me do it twice! I better get something expensive! If I get her two things, that's double the payback! Now how am I going to get this delivered on time?"

Like rapid fire the mind of the man thinks the consequences that are wrapped around Valentine's Day

Trafficking

Dear Cousin Gobo,

Tonight I had to shoot video for a story about human trafficking. So naturally I went to the Strip and shot all the tourist on walk-about.

It's a good thing that my camera kicks ass and has a cool feature with its shutter speed. It allows me to slow the shutter speed to record fractions of frames per second, which basically means more light enters the lens and all movement is blurred. Kinda like this picture you see here. Most video cameras don't have this function, it's awesome!

While I was there I noticed the increase of tourist. As the East coast is gettting hit by tons of awful weather, the weather here is only getting better. Sunshine, warm evenings and drinking at outdoor patios are in the near future.

Snow in the ASS

Dear Cousin Gobo

Last week I went snowboarding for the first time in a long time. I drove out of the desert and headed North to Utah. It wasn't far, about three hours, or two and a half hours at Travelin' speed. It was as wonderful as I remember it. The snow was light....fluffy....and there was plenty of it. There were a few problems, though. Since I haven't hit the mountain for quite some time, I had a little trouble keeping my balance on occasions. Plus I was wearing a new hydration pack also changing my center of gravity. So naturally I fell a few times, but only when I wanted to do something really cool. Like jumping over a log or a small child skiing. I few times I wreaked damn hard causing snow to get down my boardpants. This made my ass to get really cold.

This photo is a re-enactment of the snow in the ass. My friend suggested that maybe I should try to sell snowcones.

Brand New Miles

Dear Cousin Gobo,

It's time for a change. A time for a re-imagination.

For about a year or so I've tried to write you letters about everyday common events that I spun into interesting yet choatic yarns. I would describe things out in great detail as if I had never experience such a thing. That didn't work out so well. The problem was I just couldn't keep up with it. I tried writing from a view of an outside observer, when the events I wrote about were things that I experienced. So from this moment forward, all posts are going to come straight from my point of view. This will make for a much more interesting and frequently posted blog. Welcome to the new Travlein' Miles.

Of course I will keep some of the old references that we both enjoy. And as a homage to the old Miles, I will keep the older postings. That way you can re-visit any as you wish.

In the Chinese New Year, it's suppose to be the Year of the Boar. There will be nothing boring about this year

Training Day

Originally uploaded by Travelin' Miles.

Dear Cousin Gobo,

I learned that these Silly Creatures known as "Uhmans", don't take any chances out there in Outerspace. I once thought that the half-size ones were just a variation of the entire species. For they are quite intelligent to be younglings, but it turns out that they are indeed the offspring of the larger "Uhmans". Unlike our younglings, they are able to learn skills and abilities quicker that their adult counterparts. Which leads me to my point.

Today I witnessed some sort of training session for the half- size ones. They were being taught how to operate mechanical rock throwers. These rock throwers can sling tiny peebles faster than your eyes can blink. The rocks move so fast that whatever they hint will be severely damaged. I would not like to be on the other end of these rock throwers. The Half -size Uhmans were also watching large metal birds up in the clouds zipping this way and that way. My neck got a kink , cus I too was amazed by the speed of these strange things. Every once and a while one would fly down low to the ground and drop a egg that would explode on impact. That egg would cause a large amount of heat and smoke as it hit the ground. Amazing!

The Uhmans seamed to like this training session, for they would cheer and clap their hands together in approval. I asked one of them to tell me the reasoning behind this show. He said, " To prevail in the war against terror".

This is the first I've heard of "war". It was described to me as fierce fighting of two sides until there is only one winner by default. And I was very frightened, cus I only know one thing that terrorifies me......Gorgs.

It may be possble that the Gorgs are planning an encroachment into Outerspace. Fortunately, the hailf-size Uhmans are much smarter than the Gorgs.

Just watch yourself the next time you go to collect radishes.

Travelin' Miles

Come Fly with Me

Originally uploaded by Travelin' Miles.

Dear Cousin Gobo,

This morning I decided to look at Outerspace in a new perspective. Have you ever wondered what things looks like if you were floating above it all? Today I found out, I went flying.

It was early in the morning, way before the yellow Sun ever rises from the distant mountains. I jumped inside a machine known as "the Helo" which is made of a two person cabin, a large rotating blade on the top and a smaller blade attacted to its tail. As you know there are all types a interesting machines in Outerspace, this is just one of the few that can lift you right off the ground.

In the air everything looks much smaller, sorta like a Doozer village, only more spread out. It is also much easier to map out the area when you can see farther into the distance.

We were up in the air for about an hour or so, when it started raining. This isn't the first time I saw rain. Yes indeed, it is rare here. Most of the time the sun is blazing down making it hot. You remember rain, don't you? It is when water falls from the sky in large droplets, like in the radish garden. I also saw the strange phenomena known as a "rain-bow." You might also remember this from the radish garden. It was the bright colorful arc that appears overhead at times. It is said if you follow the rain-bow to it's end you will recieve a large cauldron of treasure. I once believed this myth, but today I saw the real truth. The rain-bow is nothing more than an illusion. The rain-bow I saw today was not in an arc, rather it was a complete circle.

Somehow the Sun can make the rain-bow appear when it rains, depending on your position you will only see at most times half an arc. If you are high enough above the ground, and at the the focal point of the Sun's rays, you can see the entire circle. It is much like a lens glares you see in your spyglass.

Until nextt time cousin,

Travelin' Miles

Party of Nine

Then....
Originally uploaded by Travelin' Miles.

Dear Cousin Gobo,

This past weekend I had the best time of my life. I took part in an outrageous festival that is commonly known by most people in Outerspace as the Party of Bachelors'. Apparently before a male can take a spouse, he must first dispose of all his inner wantings and desires. And the best way to do this is to get together with a bunch of close mates, drink down large amounts of only the best meads, and prolong sleep as long as possible. Much like our annual Radish Juice Festival.

At first I thought that this combination could be fatal. It is not, but it is pretty close. Drinking large amounts of mead starts to blur the vision as well as your decision making ablity. It doesn't help that everyone else keeps daring you to drink more and more.

As we traveled around in a very large vehicle only to be described as a "HUMMER", one of the bachelors shouted, "Let's get some action!"
We then pulled up to a club opened only for the night-walkers. Inside it was dimly lit with loud music playing and barely clothed females dancing in circles.

Each of these females, I was told to be called "strip-pers", approached each of the partiers, including me. These alluring sirens of passion whispering sweet sounds, smelling sweet smells would take our hands to lead us in separate directions. Once alone with a strip-per, she would then perform an angelic dance causing a sensation to take hold of me. I was unable to move. Forced to watch this dance. I knew that shouldn't stay there, but my legs wouldn't allow me to move. Then the enchanted mood quickly changed.

In a blink of a eye my pockets were emptied and my valuable artifacts and maps were GONE! The female had disappered and I was sitting alone. I then realized why they were called "strip-pers", for they strip you of all your valuables.

Cousin, some life lessons are better learned by someone else.

Return of The Miles

Originally uploaded by Travelin' Miles.

Dear Cousin Gobo,

From a galaxy far far away I've returned to this rock we call home. It has been a very long time since I've updated my travels. So many stories not enough time or relevance. Now I know you all were worried that I may have never be able to return, but believe me when I tell I you that I'm in deed back for good this time.

In these past months, I had to put my travelin' on hold because I needed to reevaluate my path in life. It also was because I was a victim of alien abduction.

Now I know there are you who are skeptics, but I will assure you that aliens are infact as real as Bigfoot, whom I met. Nice chap, his name is Jefe, always welcoming people in for a little chess and tea. As well as for his cousin Yeti, whom I don't care for to much. He's always yelling, and crying about his home having no heat. But back to the aliens that I was telling you about.

It happened last winter, I was walking through the mountains of the Northwest after a nice game of chess with Jefe when out of the sky appeared a large silver rhombus. It stop zoomed around the sky in zig zags as if the pilot was lost, then it came straight overhead and a spotlight splashed upon me. I was in bewilderment as a loud voice sounding much like Pee Wee Herman asked "Are you the Navigator?" I responded "No but I have a map", yo know my map the one that I've been mapping. Then the spotlight extinguished, I started to feel tingles throughout my body and in a blick of an eye I've left the ground and was now standing inside the silver rhombus.

Inside were three very tall green men with very large heads and skinny arms. They were all looking at me through very large and very magnified handheld monocles because they at poor eyesight. They all spoke at once in unison with the same "pee wee" voice. They wanted to know if I knew the way to UB313. I recognized the name right away, remembering it from an article I once read about the new possible planet in our solar system. I told them that needed to go about six more planets from the sun. They thanked me and then without notice the silver rhombus moved back an forth at great speeds, and then as if someone caught their bearings correct the rhombus bolted across the sky into space. We bolted pass asteriods, pass moons, pass comets which all I could see through small portholes in the side, until we came to a complete stop over a small ice ball. It must be UB313. Once again the three green men spoke to me, asking me to pull on the lever over my left shoulder. I complied, and as I pulled down on the lever I heard a loud crack as if a door opened. I looked out the porthole down at UB313 to see that they were DUMPING THEIR TRASH.

As I looked down at this thinking 'all this trouble for a trash run'? Then the green men asked me if I wanted them to take me back to our home. I thought quickly, and then asked if I could come along with them. The three looked at me for a few seconds and then said "Sure!"

Over the next few months, the four of us traveled across the universe looking for sites to pick up and dump off trash. Although these guys were not a great of a bunch to have discussions with, they could be pretty funny at times, and I learned some things from these men also. One, I learned that not all abductions can be bad experiences. Two, I also found out that aliens are bad drivers

Lost Highway

Originally uploaded by Travelin' Miles.

Dear Cousin Gobo,

Sorry I haven't written in a long time. I have been unable to reach a.....oh I can't lie. I was kidnapped! It was scary as hell. I don't want to tell you about it.

One day I was just walking down the road when an automobile with flashing lights approached me. I single man within the auto exited and with a very bright light in my eyes, he screamed at me repeatedly. I couldn't quite understand a word from him, so I move toward him asking what the problem was. With a flash, he squirted liquid into my eyes causing them to burn intensely. I fell to the ground with my hands in my eyes, and I was screaming with pain. The man grapped my hands, tied them behind my back, and threw me into the back of his automobile. Unable to see, I repeatedly demanded to know where he was taking me, but all I got for an answer was to "remain quiet, sir".

After what seemed like hours, the man pulled me out of the auto, sprayed my face with what tasted like milk, and then tossed me into the darkest cave I've ever been in. And in this cave were the ugliest, smelliest, nastiest creatures that you can imagine. These creatures were very interested in my arrival, because they all wanted to touch and grap and me. It took all my strength just to keep these creatures from taking my lucky pack. As the night fell I was very scared for my life. Falling asleep on the hard ground, and wondering what will attack me next. I believed that I wouldn't make it to see the morning.

Never the less, I did make it. I made it thoughout countless weeks when finally without notice I was released.

With the bright light of the sun burning my retinas, I thought about my whole captive experience, and I came to the conclusion that if I ever see an auto with flashing light appraoch me again, I will run as fast as I can for the safety of my life.

So after a short recovery, I am back on the horse. There is a lot to see and lots to mapout. Expect more letters in the coming weeks, for I'm eager to tell you more stories

Travelin' Miles

Peace Rally

Originally uploaded by Travelin' Miles.

Dear Cousin Gobo,

It is said that a single person's voice can change the world. I've had a chance to observe this action first hand.

One day, I was walking around looking for new adventures, when I heard a gathering of humans yelling and chanting on busy street ways. As I appoached, I discovered that my ears have tricked me. For there was only a few when it sounded like many.

These few were marching with signs, waving muli-colored flags, and yelling out to the passer-bys. I was curious about this strange event, and I made a mistake of asking one of them why they were all doing such things. Soon I was surrounded by people holding signs and flags, all who were screaming at me about wrong doings of names I have never heard of before. Chants like "No blood for oil" and "Peace" were very popular amongs theses people. They all claimed that they were testing the "Pro" of the actions of their clan leaders. I heard one say that their lives could be alot better only if the "Bush" wasn't in their office.
I suggested to them to try to add ferns or plants if they disliked bushes so. At this point the small group seemed to respond negitively toward me, so I decided it was time to leave.

I tried to politely part ways with this group, but they still wanted to tell me more about their strange ideals. The only escape was to run into the busy street way, where traffic was at full speed, but I gladly risked that danger to evade anymore annoyance.

Let me tell you cousin, try to steer clear of any groups waving signs in the air. If you want things to change it is better to make things happen instead of standing on the corner screaming at everyone walking pass. Anyways things could be alot worst...

Travelin' Miles